The Pardon
by Guzhong
Summary: Leah prepares to walk down the aisle in Emily's wedding and relives her last moments with Sam as a couple. One shot.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I hate to say this because a lot of people will stop reading once they see this, but this is my first fan fiction ever and I am a Chinese girl so English is not my first language. It has been beta-ed though, by my wonderful friend Jay (yay4shanghai, check out her stories "Enough with This Gravity Moving" and "Jared and the Sociopath he Imprinted on" they are amazing). She introduced me to fanfiction when we met at the Shanghai Young Writers Association and it is now my obsession.

**This is a flashback Leah is having as she prepares to stand next to Emily at her wedding to Sam. It takes place two days after Sam returns from phasing, after he broke it off with Leah because he doesn't want to hurt her and he thinks he's not good enough for her anymore, but he still loves her very much. He has not met Emily yet in the flashback.**

Please read and review.

If you had told me three weeks before Sam Uley's disappearance that he would fall out of love with me I wouldn't have believed you. Shit, if you told me the day he returned from wherever the hell he ran off to that he would break my heart I would have laughed.

Sam was mine: he was my life, my soul mate, my best friend, my truest ally. And I was all of those things for him and more: his lover, his tutor, his caretaker, his partner in crime and day-dreaming, his fiancé…

He could never have left me because we were so closely connected to leave me would be like ripping out a part of himself.

I spent two weeks after his disappearance crying, screaming, bargaining with God and nature to return him to me safely because I knew there was no way Sam would left me on his own accord.

Sam was noble, brave, smart, compassionate, and loving…

So there I lay frozen still in my room for over forty-eight hours after he broke up with me. Waiting for him to come back, to apologize to, admit he made a mistake, because if he didn't then I was certain it would mean it was not him that returned, not My Sam. It would mean that some sort of pod-person had captured My Sam, which would have been easier to deal with than to think that My Sam could leave me.

My Sam needed me as much as I needed him, maybe even more. So I waited, I ignored my mother's knocks on the door, my little brother's pleas to eat or talk, my father's words of advice through the cracks—because they didn't know, they couldn't understand me or My Sam.

I wasn't the kind of girl who cried easily. This is one of the things that Sam loves so much about me, that and my collarbone, which he expertly kissed and nibbled whenever he got the chance. So I didn't cry as I waited in silence, patiently counting down the minutes even though my stomach, my heart, my head were all screaming for release or relief, I didn't move. I had to stay strong.

I knew someone was on the other side of the door, I could hear them but they didn't speak, just stood there breathing deeply, inhaling loudly. What did they want from me? Probably what everyone else wanted from me: to eat, to sleep to return to the world as if nothing had happened. But they just didn't understand-- I didn't know how, I didn't know how to live in a world where Sam was not with me, guiding and supporting. I still don't.

I'm wasn't dependent, some (my mother and Oprah included) say I need to learn how to be an independent woman, but again I knew they didn't understand. So I lay there in silence, waiting, listening to the Breather on the other side of the door. As I look back on it, I knew then that it was Sam, I could feel him, but I was too scared to face him, afraid that he would reject me yet again.

That might sound wrong and even ridiculous to some, that I could feel him and I would laugh too, because I know that those _some_ have never loved this way, with their whole heart and soul so they could never know the connection I felt.

It's too scary for most, to give in to someone completely to put everything you have into a relationship because then you are releasing all of your control and you are open for true heartbreak.

True love leads to true heartbreak that I know even now, after having experienced it, was not worth the pain. The pain you feel everyday as you are forced to relive the memories, like this one, this memory that replays like a movie in my head as I prepare for Sam's wedding. Sam's wedding where I will be standing not in my rightful position to his left, but much farther down as a bridesmaid for the woman who stole the only real thing I would ever have.

"_Lee Lee, please open the door," his voice was strained, in pain. _

_I spring out of bed too quickly and feel dizzy, two days lying flat without food and I disorientatedly stumble to the door, ripping it open to see him. _

_I throw myself into his arms before he could say another word because I know why he is here. _

"_You look so sick Lee Lee, you have to eat," Sam pleads, lifting me off of my feet as I sway. _

_I don't respond with words because they're useless in times like these. I launch an assault of kisses all over his face until I find his lips, which are stiff and held in a tight line. _

_I can't hold back the tears of rejection and his arms tighten around me as he lowers me on the bed, still holding me he lies besides me, staring down at me with so much love I cry harder, crying all the tears I have held back since he broke up with me._

"_Sam," I attempt to speak but only one word will comply and I shake even harder with tears. His lips crash down on mine and I gasp and moan, his tongue dancing with my own, the most wonderful feeling. _

"_I love you." _

I still don't know who said it first, I would like to believe it was him, like to hold on to the fact that even in the final hour, the last days before he met Emily, he loved me the most. I guess it doesn't matter who said it first, but it was followed by a downpour of proclamations.

"_I love you. I love you so much."_

"_I will never hurt you."_

"_I love you more than life it's self."_

"_I love you more."_

"_I need you."_

"_I need you."_

"_I'm yours."_

"_I'll never leave you again."_

That's the one that burns, even now as I apply mascara to my long lashes with only minutes till I have to walk down the aisle. It was the only promise Sam ever broke the words that played over and over. _I'll never leave you again_.

I reacted to that claim the only way i knew how back then, with complete trust. I was a fool.

When we get the signal I smile at Jared and he holds his arm out to me with a sympathetic smile I resent the pity and stupid pat on the arm, but I stay silent. The music begins and I watch as little Claire drops yellow rose petals that match my dress down the aisle. I count my breaths until I reach twenty-five and we get the cue to walk, the maid of honor and the best man in this disgusting charade.

Jared kisses my cheek gently as we reach the end and we part, taking our places. I try not to look out into the crowd, I know they will be looking at me.

So many of them wondering when I was going to break down, when I was going to scream, to rant, to ruin this beautiful wedding—this beautiful wedding that should be my own. But I have no plans to, and I dig my fingernails deeper into my palm as I watch Sam walk out, his face a perfect mask of calm; the look he used to make when we lie naked wrapped tightly together.

"_God Leah, you are the most beautiful girl in the world. I'm so sorry," he continued to apologize even after we began to make love; his strong, warm body hovering over me as I cried with relief, from pure happiness and pleasure. _

_We had been together like this before, but the feeling now— the love, the joy was beyond me. I clung to him, crying as he rocked back and forth, slow and steady, like he always did. Sex with Sam was not about pleasure or release (that of course was part of it) but it was so much more a ritual, an experience of physically joining our souls. We breathed in sync, our bodies rocking together, our arms and legs intertwined, our eyes locked; we were one._

_"Sam, I love you. I want to be with you forever. Please don't leave me again," I begged as I near my climax, he was deep inside of me and I clenched onto him, his hands kneading into my back he held me closer._

_"Never, Leah. It's me and you, Lee Lee, forever."_

I had imagined in the weeks leading up to the wedding that when Sam came down the aisle he would not look at me. Shame if not guilt for sure would keep him from causing me anymore pain, from looking me in the eyes at the lowest point in my life. I was wrong, his eyes went directly to me, as they always did before Emily. I dug my nails in deeper, suppressing the heat that threatened to boil over and cause me to break free of this dress and run away from this mockery.

I looked away and I could hear his heartbeat race. Did he really think what the rest of these people thought? That I could destroy the happiness moment of his life? Didn't he know? Couldn't he understand that no matter how much he hurt me I could never hurt him? Never.

He had given me the only happiness I was ever destined to have and in return I made a promise. A promise to him, to Emily, to myself, to the world… I would leave today and I would never return, I would give him the ultimate pardon, because I loved him just that much.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: So I am sorry it took very long to write, I have a very demanding job and this was edited three time because English is not my first language. Thank you so much to YAY4SHANGHAI for betaing and for borrowing me her Solace OC. If you have not read any of her stories you need to my favorite is the Pathetic Rambling of a Homosexual Werewolf. I might write another chapter if a get a few more review, I don't know.

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I might have been a tad dramatic when I said I would leave right away. As maid of honor and close family member to the bride, I had the unfortunate duty of attending the reception with the rest of my clan. However, by getting through the ceremony without turning into a gigantic furry beast, I far outstripped everyone's expectations of me so I didn't hesitate getting stupidly intoxicated when party time rolled around. I probably should have hesitated or at least thought it through because now lying flat on my back listening to the loud crashing of the waves against the cliff I could only piece together a handful of moments from the night.

---

"_You look beautiful." Jake wasn't being sarcastic, I could hear the sincerity in his voice but it didn't make me feel any better about the fact that I was wear a butter cream yellow frock that made me look like a fancy over frosted cupcake at a children's birthday party. I glared at him over a shot of flavoured tequila, it was my third and looking down at my dress again I was certain it wouldn't be anywhere close to my last. _

"_I'm wearing tacky baby yellow Jake, so don't piss me off I'm just looking for an excuse to bust out of this thing."_

"_Okay, so you look a little like Big Bird, but beautiful all the same," he said place a soft kiss on my cheek._

"_I'm leaving tomorrow," I said simply. _

"_So then this is goodbye?" He asked pulling me in for a hug._

"_I guess so."_

"_I love you Leah," he whispered as he left. He couldn't stand being away from his midget love child for long and the two hour ceremony was about all he could bear. He left with Bella and Edward at his side and I tried not to grimace at their disturbing family unit, it worked and they were happy so I was happy for him, or at least I was trying to be. _

_I signaled for the bar hand to keep the shots rolling as Seth brought along one of the newest wolves. Seth was rejoining the ranks of Sam's pack with Embry and Quil, so he was viewing the reception as his way of making up for lost time in the pack._

_After the Cullen manor had been turned into lodging for all of the sympathetic vamps my old pack had doubled, adding six young and bright eyed pups to the mix. One of them, the dark brooding type, joined me in my self imposed drowning. He went by the name of Solace which I hold is not a name at all, but I digress. I slid him a few more shots and smiled standing between him and Seth while we tried to drink half our body weight in the twenty minute window when our freakish wolf bodies wouldn't have enough time to burn off the alcohol._

_---_

I can't get a common cold, flu, hepatitis or any contractible diseases that I know of, but I can get a hangover. Life is truly unfair sometimes, my best friend marries the love of my life, I have to wear a dress that looks like a practical joke and I still have to suffer through the dull throbbing pain from a night of abusing the open bar.

I can't move, I want to get out from the blaring heat of the sun now hanging directly above me, but I can't. I fear any sudden movement might cause me to erupt like Vesuvius, projectile pineapple tequila vomit is no one's friend. In hindsight I probably shouldn't have drank my dinner and I probably should have paced myself, spreading it out with a bit of water or something solid. Hindsight was wasteful though and usually painful so I wasn't going back there.

I finally gave in to the need to get out of the suffocating heat and rolled over on my side. I'm certain that anyone who encountered me in the last twenty-four hours would be aware of the hatred I held for my bridesmaids dress, but even I didn't think I'd go as far as to rip it apart. The ghastly yellow dress hung off of my shoulders ripped directly down the middle along with my bra which was torn in half, leaving me entirely exposed.

Did I phase? I tried to pull the pieces of my dress together but realized a large chunk was missing down the center as if someone had grabbed a handful from the top and ripped it right off my body.

---

"_Can I have this dance," Sam's soft voice came from behind me. There were many reasons why I couldn't dance with him. First reason being I couldn't and wouldn't dance with Sam in a tux, it was just too cruel. The second being because I was currently too inebriated to stand, being supported by two of the newbie wolves Solace and Phil who held me up by my waist as I continued to slam back shots of whatever new bottle the barman opened._

"_Don't think I can Sam," I called without looking back. I wasn't trying to be rude. I had turned over a new leaf as of late, but seeing as I couldn't stay vertical without the help of two hulking wolves it didn't make sense to try to turn around. _

"_I've got you," he said spinning me around and pulling me to his chest. I took advantage of the situation by nuzzling my face into his neck allowing him to glide me across the floor._

"_Do you think this is really a good idea," I asked as his hand applied more pressure to my waist guiding me to the left._

"_I'm sorry," he whispered holding me closer as my knees gave out._

"_Don't, please don't." Three simple words and I couldn't get through them without a sob._

"_If I don't do this now I don't know if I will ever get a chance. Jake told me you were leaving," he said pulling me off the floor so that I was closer to him._

"_Yeah."_

"_Were you just gunna leave without saying goodbye?" I looked out over his shoulder to find we were being watched, gawked at by everyone in my line a view. Emily hugely pregnant, stood with my mother trying not to watch as we made our way across the floor._

"_I was thinking about leaving a note," I joked my head spinning faster than he was turning me. _

"_Where are you going?"_

"_I don't really know," I admitted as the song which I hadn't been listening to came to a sudden stop. "The song's up."_

"_Leah. I should have said this earlier but I can't even… I didn't know how to start."_

"_You don't have to, it's done," my words were slurred an interesting side-effect to having drank more than a bottle of hard liquor. _

"_Just take a walk with me okay?" He asked looking around at the watching crowd, I nodded infinitesimally and we were off._

_---_

My shoes and underwear were missing, my dress was torn and lying next to me snoring softly was broad a tanned back. Sex. Drunk sex. I had crazy drunk sex on the cliffs, I'd like to say it was my first time on the cliffs but I would be lying.

I didn't wake him, although his toned back seemed soft and inviting. I hadn't been with a man since Sam's imprint so it was tempting to just curl into his side and sleep the rest of my hangover off, but I was half naked in public and that was generally frowned upon.

I stood with as much dignity as I could muster and rushed home, climbing through my window and into the shower before anyone could stop me. There were bruises and recently healed cut marks all over my body and if I hadn't had enough information to piece the series of events together I might have thought I was attacked by a bear.

---

"_Mmm you're a beautiful dancer," Solace breathed in my ear. He had taken me straight from Sam's arms and brought me back to the dance floor. Fever, when you touch me, fever all through the night. The song was appropriate as Solace held me close, his wolf heat matching mine._

"_You give me fever, fever when you kiss, fever when you hold me tight." I sang along softly as he guided me around the floor. It was getting hotter, hotter than our combined heat should have provided, hotter than the crowd of wolves in an enclosed area even—it was alcohol hot. _

"_I need air Solace," I breathed in his ear, his name sounded better to me each time I said it. He led my outside like a gentleman, the first man to treat me like a lady since I morphed into a monster and before I could even get my bearings I threw myself on him placing one firm kiss on his lips._

_---_

I did the walk of shame back to my house, scaling the side of my building to avoid my mom and Seth. I had packing to do but I snuck in a shower before I started. My mom and Seth and possibly everyone at that reception knew exactly what had happened between us but neither of them said anything when I came down for breakfast. I knew they also knew I was leaving today, taking my life savings which were sparse and driving wherever my dad's beat up old car would take me.

Before I became a wolf I had so many things. I had shoes of every color and style and a closet bursting full of clothes I could rotate, mix and match. Now: I had sundresses and things that stretched because when I went wolf I gained five inches and at least fifteen pounds of muscle. I packed the clothes I could no longer wear and labeled them "Rachel Black". She had returned to La Push just a few months ago from college and I could tell just by looking at her she would fit my old size fours. She needed them too, Rachel's family always struggled and college hadn't been any different.

I had been planning to escape for so long that this felt oddly familiar, though wildly less exciting. In my dreams people tried to stop me, vows were sworn and things were undone, but this was just like any other day. When everything was divided I was left with a rucksack and a small box, which fit comfortably in my passenger side seat.

My mother didn't cry, she held strong, passing me an envelope of cash. The corners were all folded and it looked well worn, telling me she had prepared it possibly before I even became a wolf, probably when Sam broke my heart for the second time. Seth let a few tears fall as he helped me in the car placing a soft kiss on my cheek.

"I love you."

---

"_I love you, Lee Lee you have to know that. I never stopped loving you." Sam's opening line burned. I wanted to hear it so bad but it hurt because no matter what I knew that love didn't count. The love that we had spent years building and meant so much to me and so much of my life wasn't worth enough. For once though, it was clear to me that it wasn't me. It wasn't that I wasn't enough, and one day when I was ready for it I would have that kind of love again._


End file.
